Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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