All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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