I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
