My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
