3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
