this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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