You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Randomize
