this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
