if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
