Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
