proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
