just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
