Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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