I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
