you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i will never coherently bang her
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
