I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
