The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
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