so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
