dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
