I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
