I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
