I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
