Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
