i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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