So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
