I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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