I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
