I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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