um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
