So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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