she was so not down for the gang bang
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
