look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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