Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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