forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
