I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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