Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
