he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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