just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
