She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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