That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
