Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
