at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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