She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
