I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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