Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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