Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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