so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
So squirting runs in the family.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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