Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
