I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
