I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
you inspire me to be a worse person
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
