I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Randomize
