If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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