I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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