I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
