i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
